Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. 
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. 
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. 
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. 
Other times there were one set of footprints. 
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life 
When I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, 
I could see only one set of footprints. 
So I said to the Lord, "You promised me, Lord, 
That if I followed you, you would walk with me always. 
But I noticed that during the most trying periods of my life 
There have only been one set of prints in the sand. 
Why, When I have needed you most, you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied, 
"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints 
Is when I went to the liquor store for some beer and tequila.  

You are seriously killing me with your blah-blah-blah.

I had to get a major buzz on just to keep myself from screaming.

  I came this close to buying a pack of Pall Malls.  Seriously.  Totally done here."