Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Thursday, September 02, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "Sarah Palin would never bully or mock a man's penis in defiance of God's commandment that women be subservient to men (1 Corinth. 14:34 -- ...women... must be in submission... )" has died. The Opinion was two years of age at the time of its passing. Born in the musky, tundra veneris of the Great White North, the Opinion lived a quiet and respectable life among the wild orifices and quim bogs that dot the coastline of Real America, and enjoyed camping, fishing and hunting humpbacked whales with satellite-guided missiles.

Six months ago the Opinion was diagnosed with imasculata frittata, a rare and edible form of Word Cancer that spread to Sarah's hands before being smeared across her chops. First manifesting itself as schoolyard taunting it metastasized and spread throughout her entire vocabulary, a vocabulary believed to be as large as six hundred words (seven hundred if you include the numbers 600 thru 700) before coming to rest in her divinely appointed hooty-pie. The Opinion is survived by a conservative call to refrain from mono-pleaseistic sexual acts. Today's conservative must be potent and rigid, but for the lord's sake don't give in to the desire for self-managed orgasm! What's next? Electric cars? Sustainable farming? Besides, if you're like Sarah, you don't want to touch yourself down there--those ink stains are hard to get out!

In lieu of flowers...ah, fuck it. Give 'em flowers.

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