The Opinion "There is no masturbation in Heaven" has died after a series of strokes. It was preceded in death by the Opinion "Keep playing with it and you'll go blind" which died during a George Carlin routine in 1971. The Opinion was beloved by all nationalities, especially the Yanks, and will be sorely missed by the Catholic Church.
Because Time doesn't exist in Heaven, men who inhabit Paradise and pleasure themselves sexually are encouraged to relax and slow down while throttling their Gland of Glory, but many of them still rush through the process like they're in NASCAR. Which they are. When asked why there are so many jerks in Heaven a spokesman for God pointed to his penis and then wandered off somewhere. Note: Fewer souls masturbate in Hell largely due to the ubiquitous oral sex that takes place there--6,000 years ago when Hell was developed it was believed that allowing "too much of a good thing" would despoil the pleasure and therefore end up being a truly inspired punishment. Oddly enough it didn't work out that way at all, and folks took to it like deer to salt licks.
A Celebration of Life will be held in alternating hands with varying amounts of pressure, lubrication and sincerity. As a sign of additional respect, it will be Ladies First for all eternity.
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The Opinuary Column claims no special knowledge of an imagined after-life, only to the extent that everything spelled out here is 100% true. Ultimately, it all boils down to faith in a benign creator, one who has the greatest pull of all.
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