Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Jesus of Nazareth had an average sized schvonce" has died after 2,000 years of Christian speculation (on this very topic) while vacationing in Vatican City. It is survived by the related Opinions "Jesus of Nazareth had a nice tuchas but nothing to bow down to" and "Jesus had the thighs of a rutting antelope, and in His prime was more than ready to mount every rabbi's daughter that would look sideways at Him. Seriously."

When asked about this latest revelation, Pope Smell-My-Finger declined to comment, but in all fairness did exhibit (later that swoon-inducing, magical afternoon) a fair amount of leering and grunting while mounting a passing cherub in the Holy Rectumory. One Vatican official spoke on the condition that he remain anonymous, with the additional provision that this reporter characterize pedophilia as an "out-patient clerical procedure." Bishop Boy Fucker (not his real name) allowed that " was a real morale booster to see that the Son of God had, and presumably still has a rocket in his pocket. Used to be it was the Greek gods whose loins were we can say with a good deal of certainty that Jesus was hung like a Clydesdale," adding "...we clerics have been experiencing an extra thrill when inviting Jesus to fill us with His love. Talk about your cup running over!"

In lieu of flowers the family of the late Opinion have suggested you take a number like everybody else, and with any luck Jesus will draw your name in the Who Wants to Have Sex With Jesus Lottery held most Wednesdays, just after the community bingo game.


The Opinuary Column apologizes to all men who have average sized penises that don't begin at their navels and rise to the level of their sternum. You don't get to be God, and you certainly don't get to prance around with His genitals either. So just watch it.

A tip of the Holy Dick to Crooks and Liars.




Post a Comment

<< Home