(Jivester News, Lmtd.) The mystery of the missing White House e-mails has now been solved, according to the Right Reverend W. Johnson Smials of the Rapturing Red Heiffer Church in Newer Gedunken, Indiana. "They have been called home," said Reverend Smials during a phone interview earlier today. "It is the Lord's will that these e-mails have been raptured into the vast servers of Heaven, where they will spend eternity in a binary reverie, a reverie that secular e-mail will never, ever experience. Ever. Never, ever, ever. Not even one time."
When asked what concerned parents should tell their children about the disappearance of the e-mails (such disappearances can be traumatic to our nation's youth, resulting in Sudden Juvenile Computer Anxiety Syndrome), Reverend Smials suggested speaking as the Lord and Savior would, i.e. in parables. "Tell them something about devils coming down the chimney to kill them and damn them for all time. That might put them off the track. If they persist in their queries tell these pesky children that the missing e-mails are not really missing at all: they're right next to us, to comfort us, to love us, and to help us cheat on our taxes. For as the night is dimly lit so too the Little Digi Bits of communications are for a time dimly lit, only to be revealed at the End of Days as having been at our sides the whole time. Or tell them the Jews buried them after sacrificing a Christian baby. If that doesn't hold them I don't know what will."
Note: As a reporter, I try to keep my own opinions out of my writing, to better serve the community of readers who have come to trust Jivester News, Lmtd. Be that as it may, in this instance may I just share that it is comforting to know that the missing White House e-mails are not really important as compared with supernatural demons coming down our chimneys to annhilate our flesh and spirit for all time--or that those e-mails are floating in Heaven--better yet, they are right next to us but invisible. Lastly, they were more than likely buried by Jews for purposes opaque to the average citizen. Knowledge is power. Power is good.
And yet, I must add one more possibility to Reverend Smials' list of answers, however, as I feel I would be remiss if I did not do so: The missing e-mails are in a pixie urn at Disneyland, next to the Teacup ride in Fantasyland, where young and old come to play and feel the Magic of the Disney Experience! And yes, those missing e-mails in that pixie urn are covered in vomit--the vomit of little children at play. Praise the Lord. Praise America. Praise Praise itself.
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Holy Image of Ascending Angel Computer from here.
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