Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

God Pardons Adam & Eve "To Heal the World"


Lord God points at a Craft Service table while backstage with Larry King before Holy interview

(Jivester News, Lmtd.) Patriarchal deity Lord God (the God formerly known as Yahweh) has made public His intention to retroactively pardon His first two human creations, Adam & Eve--thus pardoning their descendents, i.e. all of humanity as well--for the crime of being "snot-nosed, disobedient little shits" with the effect of putting to rest over 6,000 years of protracted legal maneuverings. Asserting that this act is intended to "help heal the world" His announcement has heightened anxiety among various Christian denominations as they carom off of each other in a mad scramble for theological cover.

Not sure what role Jesus would play if there is no Original Sin--and therefore nothing to atone for--Catholics have joined forces with Protestant denominations across the globe to petition God to rescind His "Forgiveness Doctrine" post-haste, if not sooner. Such religious inveigling may be falling on deft ears, however: "I got the idea from hearing all those wise men and women on television speaking about Gerald Ford's presidential pardon of The Five O'Clock Shadow," said Lord God in an interview with Larry King, set to air this Friday during the highly coveted Five O'Clock News Dump. "According to these pundits it was as though the entire country was going to devolve into chaos had Ford not pardoned Nixon, and I couldn't help but connect the dots all the way back to my actions vis a vis Adam & Eve...I just felt that these people were all speaking to me. Actually, I am a pantheist at heart, so in a sense they were all speaking to me...listen, everybody's off the hook and no hard feelings, comprende?" For his part in the interview Larry King was given fifty more years of life and a new set of lungs.

James Dobson, told that Original Sin had been removed by Executive Order and that the Man-God Jesus (formerly known as The Christ) has been reduced to more or less the role of Honorary Gnostic Ambassador, responded to this rather dramatic breaking news at a hastily arranged press conference by spitting and hissing and screeching and wailing and bellowing and sparking and screaming and writhing and steaming and smoking and thundering, after which he slithered off the stage and vanished amid a gaggle of fairly astonished journalists, all of whom were said to have been from the Washington Times.

Not one to be left out of the picture, Jesus issued His own statement today, essentially thanking His Dad for coming to His senses, even while asking with a hint of regret, "Who wants to be the last messiah to be crucified for a mistake?"

With Original Sin removed for all of mankind, thus essentially tabling the Rapture, Armaggedon and The War on Christmas, conservative Christians are hoping to come up with some new slogans to help them maintain their spirtual primacy in the unpredictable days to come. Early front-runners include "Jesus: He died for your not so original sins" "Blessed are the Unnecessary" and this writer's favorite "You're still gonna burn in Hell, asshole."

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Image of Lord God backstage with Larry King from here.

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1 Comments:

At 1:51 PM, Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Wow, that was great. I mean really it's funny as hell and lights the fires of the imagination at the same time. Damn, I wish it could come true. It would be such fun to watch. As your story implies, what would the religious have to piss and moan about then?

Thank you for sharing your outstanding creative thoughts.

 

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