Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Sunday, September 17, 2006

A Song of Solemn Men



General JC Christian took a gander at Photobloggergate and wrote about it here. Where some see tits and racism, the General sees what's important and elucidates accordingly. This song is dedicated to the General, and to Little Manly Soldiers everywhere.

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A Song of Solemn Men

If a blogger isn't black
Her breasts are aimed, poised to attack
You'd think that we'd be cut some slack
Tits are straw men, I hate to divulge
I just really hate to divulge
The Manly Bulge
It mocks me so

Clever, how attention's forced
Breasts speak in code that isn't Morse
Should I cut and run or stay the course
I think I need a scotch
A generous pour of scotch
Did you see that crotch?
It hurts to know

It hurts just to know
It hurts just to know
And Lord, I know

That pic is charged with drama
No brown bloggers, no black momma
It gives us pause, just like a comma
But forget the lady's stackage
Oh those women with their stackage
I only see the Manly Package
That's why I sing

When a lady is outlined below
Some will smirk, speak of Camel Toe
And the schoolboys nod, as if they know
But what hurts, what really pinches
Is the peacock with four inches
The rest of us feel just like finches
And so take wing

And so I'll take wing
And so I'll take wing
I'll fly and sing

Oh, by Jove and thunder
I have often truly wondered
Why the Good Lord made a blunder
A mystery with his tricks
There is one that he won't fix
And why oh why are they called dicks
Questions haunt me so

Today when I go out for walking
I'll be resolved, I won't be balking
But yet I fear that something stalks me
The pants of men are all so coy
Be they denim or corduroy
They all have meat but I have soy
Say it ain't so

Say that it ain't so
Please say that it ain't so
Ashamed, I go

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

White House Unveils "Scare America First" Campaign


New White House Stationery Unveiled at Press Conference

(Jivester's Scare the Holy Fucking Crap Out of You News) The White House announced today its plans to "frighten the pants off of everyone" during the two months leading up to the November elections. "This is not a partisan effort on our part," said Tony Snow, sporting his spooky Ari Fleischer mask before a nervous, edgy gaggle of White House reporters.

Tony Snow (Dressed to Kill as Ari Fleischer) talks to jittery Press Corps

"This is our way of showing the Terrorists just who is going to do the terrorizing in the United States," Snow added. "If we don't frighten Americans then the Terrorists will just see this as another example of our complacency, our inertia. Well, we won't let that happen. Boo!"

As part of the new Scare America First campaign, various members of the White House were trotted out for the cameras, each sporting a new Autumn Do.


Alberto Gonzalez Wows 'Em at Press Conference


Condileeza "I'll Do As I Pleeze-ya" Rice coiffed as her inner dried-up patrician


Donald Rumsfeld (seen here relaxing in a dark room) thinks the whole thing is silly and refused to wear his Vlad the Impaler outfit


Dick Cheney Takes One For the Team

In addition to announcing the "Scare America First" campaign, Press Secretary Tony Snow mumbled something about President George W. Bush not being able to attend as "...he is once again AWOL and presumed to be off somewhere snorting cocaine and drinking alcohol in intemperate quantities." The news about the President was described by one White House Staff Member (who asked not to be unmasked) as the Administration's way of "...reaching out to its base."

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New White House Stationery image by artist Mike Hoffman from here.

Alberto Gonzalez's mask from here.

Tony Snow's Ari Fleischer mask was made from the flesh and hair of Ari Fleischer.

Dick Cheney image from here.

Margaret Thatcher mask was found in a refuse bin in Hyde Park.

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Crossposted at Correntewire.

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