Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Saturday, December 09, 2006

But He Was Wrapped So Nicely!



Warning: Do not read the following lyrics if you find the idea of Deific Infanticide offensive. Lord knows I wouldn't.

If Our Dear Lord Jesus Died a Little Kid
(A Very Special Christmas Song)

I love Baby Jesus
So plump, so soft, so white
I asked for him for Christmas
I prayed for him at night

Two weeks before the 25th
A gift beneath the tree!
It was wrapped up Baby Jesus
He was wrapped up just for me

At first I was excited
But I was not a fool
I would not unwrap this gift
Until the day was Yule

Yet something very creepy
Occured the next three days:
Crying came from that wee box
Then the crying went away
(oh, this can't be good)

(chorus)
If our dear Lord Jesus
Died a little kid
There would be no Cross to bear
No atoning what we did
We would be in trouble
There'd be wars and crime and hate
Governments would lie to us
For Truth is often late
Lobbyists would prosper
And thieves would plunder all
The wealthy would get wealthier
The poor all made to crawl
All because dear Jesus
Did not survive the Fall

Now, I'm not superstitious
But this whole scene made me freak
It didn't get much better
After another week

The box began to reek a bit
As I dreaded the big day
What if we had slaughtered
Baby Jesus--oy-oy vey!

On Christmas Eve I panicked:
I took the box to church
To give to some poor family
Under the care of old John Birch

But on the way the box did tear
Baby Jesus then fell out
I caught him with a gift bag
That I am quick there is no doubt

(chorus)
If our dear Lord Jesus
Died a little kid
There would be no Cross to bear
No atoning what we did
We would be in trouble
There'd be wars and crime and hate
Governments would lie to us
For Truth is often late
Lobbyists would prosper
And thieves would plunder all
The wealthy would get wealthier
The poor all made to crawl
All because dear Jesus
Did not survive the Fall

I flew just like an angel
To the church, for midnight mass
I never had to shuss the babe
His little life had passed

And when the priest did offer up
A cracker as the body
I cried that I held the Lord Supreme
Though his condition was quite shoddy

The worshippers looked on in shock
As I stumbled toward the altar
The gift bag ripped, a wee hand fell out
But I managed not to falter

"Father, what if Baby Jesus
Never made it past a week?"
Intrigued but rather worried
Into my bag the Priest did peek

(chorus)
If our dear Lord Jesus
Died a little kid
There would be no Cross to bear
No atoning what we did
We would be in trouble
There'd be wars and crime and hate
Governments would lie to us
For Truth is often late
Lobbyists would prosper
And thieves would plunder all
The wealthy would get wealthier
The poor all made to crawl
All because dear Jesus
Did not survive the Fall

The Priest was all a'quiver
He shook and frothed a bit
He raised his voice to thunder
"That babe is not Jesus!

This baby's skin is brownish
His eyes too dark and deep
Perhaps he's Brangelina's
Call the cops, you Christmas geek!"

I gathered up dear Jesus
And ran out to the street
I headed for the hills to find
The cave that I did seek

I placed the little savior's
Body at the back
I checked it three days later
That's when Jesus knifed me in the back
Little Baby Jesus knifed me in the back
(25 stitches and a tetanus shot)

(chorus)
If our dear Lord Jesus
Died a little kid
There would be no Cross to bear
No atoning what we did
We would be in trouble
There'd be wars and crime and hate
Governments would lie to us
For Truth is often late
Lobbyists would prosper
And thieves would plunder all
The wealthy would get wealthier
The poor all made to crawl
All because dear Jesus
Did not survive the Fall

Thank God that this is just a song
Full of meretricious lies
Little Baby Jesus
As a baby did not die

And because he lived until
The age of thirty-three
He put an end to suffering
And all people were made free

For why else would a God arrive
One who ruled us like a king
It would be sad if such a drama
Did not really mean a thing

Some gifts are really tacky
Some are sly just like a fox
I pray that Christmas morning
I don't find Baby Jesus in a box

(chorus)
If our dear Lord Jesus
Died a little kid
There would be no Cross to bear
No atoning what we did
We would be in trouble
There'd be wars and crime and hate
Governments would lie to us
For Truth is often late
Lobbyists would prosper
And thieves would plunder all
The wealthy would get wealthier
The poor all made to crawl
All because dear Jesus
Did not survive the Fall

+++

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