Visiting aliens seen relaxing after visit to spa for massages and group waxing
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(Jivester News, Lmtd.) In response to the Senate's questioning of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, and concerned by the potential for Female Reproductive Coercement by the Government of the United States of America, visiting aliens from Dildonvulvia released a statement warning Earthlings to "keep their mitts out of our pudendas."
Samuel Alito, his head tilted to one side while draining fluids from 1985 out of his ears, declined to comment as to this new intergalactic development in regards to his nomination. "Those look like rocks, or sculptures. You could maybe get them to produce pebbles, but never babies. If they were in fact reproductive organs, and were in the United States, I would be inclined to dodge this question, in a vague yet dignified way."
The Aliens were originally here to attend an adult entertainment industry expo in Las Vegas--the largest pornography convention in the world, but a "mere penny carnival in a minor galactic backwater" according to the Dildonvulvians. These firm yet sensual visitors held a press conference as part of an effort to be seen as more than "Triple X-Files paperweights" and to make public their opinions regarding the affairs of the so-called "skin bags" i.e. Human Beings.
As to the question of whether or not the government of a free people can claim sovereignty over the reproductive organs of its citizens, based on a concern for the sacred life-rights of the unborn to the exclusion of the woman's right to own and operate her own body as she sees fit, the Dildonvulvians shook what appeared to be their heads and sighed. "Is your wife's womb my concern, or to be managed by my dictates? If it is, what about her fallopian tubes? Cervix? Vaginal canal? Clitoris? I better stop, I'm getting hard. Wait, I'm always hard...the point is, when the State begins to legislate its female citizens reproductive organs, a slippery slope occurs. Hey, that's funny...slippery slope. I just can't help it. I never met a pun I didn't..."
A female alien interrupted her co-alien's odd monologue with the following statement: "Wealthy people will continue to have access to safe abortions when and if Roe vs. Wade is overturned. Poor women will be at the mercy of an abortion market that will rise up if legal, safe abortions are ended in the United States. No one celebrates abortion, but when it comes to private medical decisions between a woman and her physician, the State should defer to the rights of the woman, as protected by the Constitution of the United States. End of story. I should hope that all concerned women get in front of a mirror, look at the image of their vagina as reflected therein, and decide if what they are looking at is their property or the property of the United States, up to and including their ovaries and uterus. Personally, I would insist that the government keep its mitts out of our pudendas. Now if you will excuse us we are off to a boulder seminar at the north rim of the Grand Canyon. Thank you, and good luck to your entire country as it continues to face the challenges of surviving as a democratic construct."
Wolf Blitzer, upon hearing the female Dildonvulvian's statement, reminded listeners that Bush is King of Iraq.
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Image of visiting aliens from here.
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Aliens Throwing Post-Hearing Party Captured by Hubble Telescope
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Hubble Image of Post-Hearing Party from here.
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