Mortaljive: The Rest is Silence

There is no still point in all the Universe, and that is the rock upon which I stand

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

President Wipes His Ass With Constitution: "Smells Like Butt-Victory"

President Bush's Second Term in Full Swing!


(Jivester News, Lmtd.) President George W. Bush, rumored to be high on a combination of metamucil and bacon fat, held a press conference late this evening while taking a dump on the Oval Throne. What transpired will no doubt be of interest to historians in the years to come (if there are any years to come): President Bush, unable to contain his own maniacal glee, bore down and squeezed out his dirty little business, then wiped his ass with a copy of the U.S. Constitution and "dared anyone with more than a two inch dick to stop me!" What prompted this rare fecal-related outburst appears to have been a question from an embarrassingly sober AP reporter who asked "Since you can evacuate your bowels without giving aid, comfort and green stamps to the terrorists, why can't you just as effectively evacuate our troops from the bowels of Iraq?"

The President addressed these ill-formed, splatteresque concerns when he spoke about the need for "solid strategies" and "true soldiers aren't cut and runny." No one knew what the hell he was talking about, except James Guckert nee Jeff "I-Will-Fuck-You-For-Money" Gannon, who was wearing a Lemmiwinks costume and smelled like, well, like ass.

"Take your Bill of Rights," exclaimed Bush, but since it was abundantly obvious he had just wiped his sphincter with them none of the assembled reporters did. Take them, that is. "See, the Constitution is meant to give us a clean slate, a brand-spankin' new sparkly meat-hole," continued Bush as members of the press took notes and were greatful for the access, because good journalism is all that matters. "What America needs is for the President to wipe his ass with the Constitution. Wipe his ass good. And then wave it around, and tell everybody how he wipes his ass with the Constitution. Hey, look," the President continued, "I had corn last night. What do you think of that, founding fathers? I got your checks and balances right here! I got your so-called Rule of Law too: when the Prez wipes his patootie, that is the Rule of Law! Amen!" Bush then jumped off of his porcelain throne and began making jungle noises, running around the executive bathroom like a baboon on crack, a whoopin' and a hollerin'!

One timorous voice rose from the gathered reporters: "Sir, would you ever wipe your ass with the Ten Commandments?" A hush, an absolute shiver-me-colon hush descended on the room. Bush turned slowly to the offending scriber, caught the reporter in the laser beam of an actual laserpointer he had taken out of his shirt pocket, then said with a barely concealed guffaw tricklin' out of the corners of his yapper, "Why, that would be sacreligious. Hell, I ain't no God hater!" The whole room exhaled a big sigh of relief: being reassured that Bush doesn't hate God put everyone at ease. Except God, who took a huge shit and sent it onto the White House roof, where it froze during the latest ice storm, so that the domicilic Ground Zero for the King and Queen of America looks like it's covered by a really bad haircut. Shame on God! Bad God! Bad!


Image of a simian tossing his potato grunge was/is from here.



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