The Opinuary Column
The Opinion "Jesus of Nazareth was not a zombie" has died, having been murdered by a variety of Christians who threw his lifeless corpse to the turf and tore to shreds what was left of his dessicated corpse. He was believed to be 57 years of age, though he looked much older.
Born inside a grotto near Gila Bend, Arizona, Jesus first died of heat exhaustion and dehydration while crossing the desert to face his demons, a ritualistic journey similar to those often taken by shamans and mythological beings. Lying dead on an exposed rock and not content to be pecked at by vultures, he rose again and continued on his journey across the badlands, stumbling across the brutal Sonoran desert, covered in sores and with a Keith Richards sort of look on his face. Rescued by an industrial farm crew who took pity on him, he was given a job picking lettuce for eight dollars an hour. While toiling in the fields, and with temperatures reaching 100 degrees, Jesus collapsed and died two more times before he was told there was no more work, and soon enough he was off to make his fortune as a day laborer in Tucson. Roughed up by a couple of hooligans outside a Home Depot, he died and was buried just outside the city limits by an Amoral Samaritan. Naturally, he dug his way out of the rocky grave, and looked around with a strange glint in his eye: he quite suddenly had a most supernatural hankering for human brains.
Emboldened by his new epicurean bent, Jesus went on to win brain-eating contests across the country, and was fast becoming a serious contender for Most Valuable Zombie when he found himself inside of a Tea Party event in Deep Piles, Indiana. Warming up for the contest that was scheduled later that evening, he had begun to snack from the skulls of those attending the event when he made a ghastly discovery: someone had replaced the Tea Partier's brains with chicken nuggets. When Jesus made to announce this the crowd descended upon him: Jesus had the shit beat out of him, and they strung him up and then they tore him apart and that was that. It was like the fifth or sixth time he had died but reanimating pieces of flesh that were that pulverized pretty much put the kibosh on any more curtain calls, if you know what I mean. Ain't coming back no more. 86'd. All she wrote. Bye-bye. Etc.
A Celebration of Killing Jesus will be held at 12:00 p.m. on Friday, August 20th at the Kingdom Hall of Jumping Jehoshaphat Baptist Church in Simi Valley, California. Memorial contributions may be made to god, who if he or she has any brains at all will stay far, far away from this violent, stupid and brains-eating little planet we call home.
The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.