Look, I love America just as much as the next guy. I really, really do. I take her for walks, buy her dinner, make sweet and patient love to her, and I never call her a whore or a defense contractor. And when I want to celebrate my love for her (and simultaneously show the world how to party) I want to see scads of fireworks exploding in the sky above this great land, in shows large and wondrous and loud and full of Chinese colors and incandescent dragons--for everyone to witness and applaud, in full and patriotic blazing glory! So it is with some regret and sadness that I must insist that replacing firework displays with raw footage of President Bush spraying the White House lawn with explosive diarrhea will not do. This cannot stand. Even when Vice President Cheney's projectile vomiting is thrown in for good measure, this is an unseemly way to commemorate the birth of our country, and must not be tolerated.
President Bush, who once said, "When I was a child I shat as a child," is under some strangely delusional idea that fleck-sized feces flying out of his ass in a nozzle-pattern set on "everywhere" is a substitute for professional pyrotechnics. No one who is of a dissenting opinion is allowed within two hundred feet of Bush during one of his Beltway "displays." Come to think of it, no one else is allowed within two hundred feet of him either. And any audiences that actually are present are all hand-picked and eventually hand sponge-bathed. Note: Dick Cheney's handlers are extra-cautious as to point his projectile vomiting away from the audience, but still...and CNN's coverage of the event, including shots of Wolf Blitzer standing in the "Clean Room" while Bush & Cheney put on their show is embarrasing. Just because FOX News does it doesn't make it right.
I know we as Americans don't want to have to think about such things. We want good news, good times, good beer and gooder scotch, therefore meditating about the President spreading his ass cheeks on the 4th of July and shotgunning Crawford chili off towards the Jefferson Memorial is not first on our list of things to do. But that's the image I will carry with me this holiday. That and Dick Cheney's maw wide open as bile, blood and half-digested bits of wolverine tails cascade out with all the thrust of a Mercury rocket--you're reading it here first but know this to the last: we want our fireworks, damn them!
All the other so-called crimes of this administration are just so much quibbling when compared to this travesty of jingoistic entertainment. The war in Iraq, suspension of Habeus Corpus, the abject response to Hurricane Katrina, assaults on our system of justice, the secret energy/military industrial government within out government--the list is awfully long and yadda-yadda. Say what you want about Bush & Cheney but they are consistent when it comes to grabbing everything they can and destroying whatever else is left. But I have drawn my own personal line: No, Mr. President. It is not okay to drop trou and blow your Sizzler buffet all over my America. No, Mr. Vice President, it is not okay to ralph Plains Bison meat from sea to shining sea. This shall not stand!
May we, as patriotic Americans, look back on these times with a rising of bile at the back of our throats, a gurgling rumble in our colons, and a stain upon our hearts. The absolute shit and puke of these years will stand to inform all those who follow that when it comes to America and American ideals we stood up to the bodily fluids of these gassy, turbulent men, if only for one night, and then took a really, really long and hot collective shower to get the stink off.
Rememer: Explosive diarrhea
and Projectile vomiting
tear at the very fabric of our evening wear.
Author's Note: No shit was sprayed or vomit projected during the construction of this very patriotic post.